Greater Satellites

It seems to be an increasingly laughable trend in my life (and not just in regards to blogging): Whenever I resolve to do something, the exact opposite thing seems to happen. This isn’t out of lassitude or in spite of myself, I’ve narrowed the problem down to my thought process and how scattered it can be at times. My need to write about all sorts of things, big and small, often outweighs the fact that I had a single, initial point I wanted to get across from the get-go. Couple this with the fact that, after eight hours of working on web sites, I have no inclination at all to stare at my home computer screen and there’s the recipe for less Andrew online presence.

This kind of thinking spills over into my other walks of life as well. I get very excited when I think about taking up a new film project or site design, but I want to take it in so many directions that I inadvertently inspire a need to sit down and organize it all. When I think about what will actually have to go into any kind of medium-to-large-scale production, I immediately get sullen at the beginning steps which need to be taken, my least favorite part of any project: the planning stages.

So, this year, I’ve taken route of trying to make adjustments to the “core” of myself in the hopes that it will filter out to all of my other facets that I like to hold in high esteem. For instance, I’m resolving to work on my planning and organization. I know that this will require a calendar, so I’m hooking it up with iCal on my computer to get larger projects or goals organized into tasks that seem less daunting. I think this will help me out with things like design and film projects. I can block out days or hours for conceptualizing or getting together with a group of writers, take it one step at a time, then see it through to the end.

In the beginning and the end, it’s the little things. Adjust the little things and expect big change.

Note: I was working on this post for a while. It was completed today (Wed Nov 15) and back-dated to Saturday, the day I began writing it.

This past week was a difficult time for everyone in the house. Charlie, my mom’s beau, passed away at the age of 59. It came so fast… none of us really expected it. He was taken to the hospital on Sunday and by Wednesday he died. He was in advanced stages of lung and liver cancer for about a month, or so the doctors concluded. In addition to a dizzying array of emotions about it, I mainly feel angry and sad. My mom stayed with him for those three days, and in that time it was made clear that he knew for at least a year what was going on and refused treatment. Just as an aside, his father and brother also died of cancer because they refused to go to the doctor as well. It makes me mad because it was stubborn and selfish of him to do that, to not get a diagnosis and seek some sort of help. With medicine the way it is, chances are he could’ve gotten better… Maybe a full recovery, but instead he neglected it and just seemed to “accept his fate”. I feel sad because of mom, mainly, as any son or daughter should. Although Cholly (as he liked to be called) and I didn’t really talk much, we had our moments and a couple of inside jokes. He was a good person, an honest person, a simple person, and he made mom happy, which made Denise and I happy. Mom doesn’t deserve all of the pain and suffering she’s been through, and not just in this instance but throughout her life. She’s most definitely one of the strongest and most beautiful people I’ve ever met and I wouldn’t trade my life and experiences with her for anything in the world. I just wish for once that she could catch a fucking break…

I noticed, though, that around this time last year Cholly began acting different. Before, he always came and went as he pleased… that was just the type of person he was, always on the move. But then he started spending more time with mom, visiting her at work, hanging around the house, meeting her here for dinner (which he often cooked), and going on weekend camping and shore trips with her. Most of me would like to believe that although he realized and chose his path at that point, the way he wanted to carry out the rest of his days, he didn’t let that get in the way of making the one person he really cared about truly happy for the rest of his time here on Earth. I find a great deal of comfort in that thought… that instead of going from doctor to doctor and hospital to hospital and perhaps prolonging an inevitable fate, that he threw caution and himself into the wind and decided to live the best he could with the lady he loved. He was a fighter, I knew that much from the moment I met him. Although I wish he were still here for mom, I know that he’s definitely looking down on her, that he’s in a better place, and he’s not in pain anymore. I’ll be strong for mom and watch out for her in place of the one who can’t be here anymore. It was a pleasure knowing you, Cholly. “Whadda ya hear? Whadda ya say? Cagney, 1938.”

When it finally hits, it hits like a ton bricks.

I apologize for the cliched post title, but it’s quite literally the most accurate way to describe how I’m feeling right now. My judgement in recent past has been… clouded, to say the least, in many regards. My priorities were a little skewed, a little out of whack. I had a very enlightening conversation this evening with quite a few people and came to the conclusion that some things in my life that I thought I needed, that I thought were important to me, that I thought meant a lot to me were really just delusions from a past that has, well, passed.

I’ve decided to rededicate myself to learning, to seeing, and to doing. It’s like I was in a dream that I had no control over, but I’ve been jolted awake and God damn does it feel good. It’s a great relief just writing this, getting it all out. Why did it take so long for me to realize that I’m literally surrounded by truly great and wonderful people who want to be involved in my life and vice versa? I’ve been such an asshole for the past couple of months, but no longer. Naysayers be damned, Andrew is back.

“Haven’t felt the way, I feel today, in so long it’s hard for me to specify…”