Greater Satellites

Really liking the new look/feel.  Seems like should be a personal productivity booster and a work productivity killer.

Riding the el everyday affords me a lot of interesting opportunities other than power naps, watching couples fight, laughing silently about the wacky clothes people dare to wear in public, people watching, and power naps: displays of unadulterated Irony.

Take no offense if you’re reading this and you are one of the people I mention, I simply find some of the following things laughable; they’re things that I quickly forget about until I feel the need to blog about them just to point out the hilarity.

1. Insanely obese woman (we’re talking 300+) carry a set of Tae Bo tapes (happened only once, in her defense)
2. White guy with horn rimmed glasses and tear tattooed just below his eye (not a solid, filled-in tear, which usually indicates you’re a murdering mf’er, this was the outline of a tear, which usually means you were someone’s bitch in prison… neither seemed likely in his case, but the latter more probable)
3. “Bums” with bright, white Nikes on their feet
4. Big girls wearing sweatpants that read “Hottie”
5. People listening to music so loud that I can hear it outside of their headphones (we all know how I feel about that), dressed in a manner that is inappropriate for said music.

For example: Today I got on the el absurdly late for work. I believe the train arrived at my stop at 9:51 and I had to be in work at 10:00am, roughly 12 stops/6.6 miles away. Regardless, it was still well before noon, and keep that in mind because it will all come full circle in just a few minutes.

So I sit in my usual seat and swing my leg up onto the one next to me so no one can sit next to me, or touch the merchandise, so to speak, when I see a well-dressed business man (probably mid-to-late 30’s) come strolling thru the door from the car behind mine. I write him off as just another business-like-person going to coalesce into the sea of other business-like-people in the hearth of the city. He happens to sit down across the aisle from me and one row up, so I can keep an eye on this guy with a Jason Bourne-esque attention to detail. He pulls out a pair of, no surprise here, white earbuds followed by his iPod. Nothing at this point is setting off sirens or any kind of weirdness thus far. I see him scrolling around his playlists as I take in the people shuffling around to finding their seats and the urban sprawl passing by the windows at 60mph.

Bingo! Guy must’ve found what he was looking for all along since the iPod is going back into the pocket now. It just so happens that what the guy found was Metallica… and not good Metallica like Ride the Lightning or Master of Puppets. We’re talking St. Anger. Yeah, I know, right! The not-so-good-but-better-than-riding-on-the-wake-of-shitty-ReLoad-Napster-era Metallica. How did I know this? Because I could hear the song pretty clearly over the hum of the ventilation system, the chatting of people around me, and last but certainly not least: the fucking loud sound the el tends to make simply by staying in motion!

So here’s this business man. Hair slicked back, black suit, leather courier-type bag, shiny shoes, the whole nine. Could be a lawyer on his way to court. Could be an employee at City Hall. Could very well work in a bank or something. Rocking out, pretty much publicly, to Metallica. He was tapping his toes and hands (though I could tell he wasn’t a drummer… takes one to know one I s’pose), nodding his head up and down, and mouthing the words at key points… namely the choruses.

I don’t care that you listen to Metallica. If you’re the age I guessed you are, you were probably headbanging to Damage Inc at a Metallica concert as a teen as opposed to headbanging a gay guy at a Flock of Seagulls show. Who wouldn’t want to relive the music of your youth every now and then? Especially if it’s as good as old Metallica. I get it, but man… Do it in the privacy of your own home or at least be discrete about it. For God sakes, it was before noon! No metal should be listened to before noon… It’s just not a healthy way to start your day. It is, however, a great way to unwind if you had a particularly tough day or you have an especially long drive home.

I try not to talk too much shit on people, because I’m sure someone out there hates me for the fact that I consistently take up two seats on the el, but then again I look like an asshole in the mornings, mainly due to my hostility towards everyone who gets to sleep late, so I’m sure people don’t expect too much from me. There’s our keyword for this blog: Expectation.

I don’t expect Joe Businessman to be rocking out to Vivaldi (if that’s even possible), but Metallica on the el loud enough for everyone to hear seems like a cry for help. If he was wearing jeans and a hoodie, no prob. In the comfort of his own car or home, no prob. But if you have an image to maintain, which you clearly do, try to play the part. Unless you’re just such an individual that you can’t be contained by the strictures of society… Then I guess it’s cool to listen to Metallica in a business suit, but for God’s sake, at least pick a decent Metallica album!

Let me give you the back story of how this particular blog came into fruition, as I found it to be a pretty humorous scenario…

Last night I fell asleep at my usual time, which is any time after midnight but before 3am (as I need at least 6 hours of sleep to even consider functioning at work). Last night I believe sleep happened in the vicinity of 12:20-ish. I turned off all my lights, put the iMac display to sleep, and crawled into my toasty bed. All was well until about 1:30am when, seemingly out of nowhere, AC/DC (the first artist in my iTunes library) starts blasting on through my computer speakers. Needless to say, it was a pretty jarring experience. I vaulted (yes, vaulted) out of bed to turn the volume down and then looked around for ghosts. When ghosts started to seem like a silly idea (remember, slept for only about an hour at this point) I looked for more plausible reasons for this unwarranted disruption of my slumber. When I ruled out my mom, my sister, and my cats the situation began to look bleak. Then, it hit me: I did it. I peeked on the bed where I was, just moments prior, hibernating like a large bear-y creature to find the shiny white quadrilateral that I like to call my Apple Remote.

“Aha!” I exclaimed as I began to draw sane conclusions. I must’ve rolled around on the remote, which I keep in my bed to snooze my alarm in the mornings, and activated iTunes. Just as I was settling my brain down to sleep again, I heard something else; equally loud but infinitely more annoying. It was the sound of a car going down my driveway, blasting (Spanish) music with a bass (presumably) in the trunk so loud, it was rattling the body of the almost assuredly shitty vehicle. This is where the title of the post comes from:

Nobody Likes Your Music. Period.

Unless it’s summer time and you’re riding down to the beach or to a hot spot with the windows and/or top down on your car, I really don’t want to hear what you’re listening to… Nor should I have to. There’s absolutely no reason to listen to music so loud in your sealed vehicle that I can hear it 30 feet away and through the brick, wood, and cement of my house (not to mention just the open sky, which does a pretty damn good job of dispersing sound). If the goal of your music playing is to get other people to hear and groove to what you’re grooving to, then congratulations: You’re an asshole! Might as well have outdoor speakers mounted on the top of your car to make the statement even clearer.

I’m not just narrowing this down to a language or genre of music, either, although it seems that only certain genres of people who listen to specific genres of music are this blatantly inconsiderate of those around them. But, let’s say for instance I was walking down South Street one Friday night just taking in the sights and sounds. If a car came blowing down the street crawling along the crowded street blasting, say, Protest The Hero, I wouldn’t have such a problem with it and for one reason: Context. I expect to hear people riding down South Street blasting all kinds of music because it’s a cultural melting pot down there. The same would be true if it was a low rider Caddy rollin on dubs blasting Snoop Dogg. If I saw that shit, it would probably bring a smile to my face. I wouldn’t go down to South Street or Broad Street or any of the bars near Old City and expect not to hear some music being playing at unreasonably high volumes. Context is the key.

The point of this roundabout storant (story + rant = storant) is that we should try to be considerate of our neighbors, but if it ever gets to the point where your neighbor is so ignorant nothing will help, you could always try the “taste-of-your-own-medicine” method by blasting the latest Protest the Hero album directly at their (fill in the blank with the follow:)

• adjoining wall
• automobile
• house
• children’s ear drums

Thanks for reading, and stay classy.

Despite the news of a delay in the release of my favorite CMS, I’ve officially finished an Andrew-branded version of Greater Satellites.  It’s nothing too flashy or fancy, but rather simple and quite elegant (in my humble opinion).  I’m going to code out a static version of it shortly and try to have the start date coincide with the release of Wordpress 2.5, which will hopefully have an improved, bug-free template system.

Get ready.

I had all kinds of fun playing around with this website: Knicker Picker

The next logical step would be full scale adoption by the porn industry!